Check out “Never Betray a Deal With A Barsoomian Devil” by our very own Crustbucket

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One of our more colorful commenters,  Crustbucket (who has also put out some of the most imaginative, insightful, sometimes infuriating, but always, or almost always, interesting comments) has dared our readers to check out his piece of Barsoomian fan fiction. He’s provided us a link in a comment and I would like to share it. Here it is: Never Betray at Deal With a Barsoomian Devil.  I haven’t read it yet — will do so over the weekend. One thing I do remember about Crust is that he wrote a very compelling, if (as he notes), slightly “parodic” alternate ending to the film which I’ll also share here now just for Friday night fun.

Your lucky day. I shall inflict my latest, somewhat parodic climatic battle ending upon ya.

Rachel Weisz – Thuvia
Rose Mcgowen – Phaidor
Emily Blunt or Eva Green – Tara
Salma Hayek – Valla Dia
Megan Fox – Sonama Tora
Natalie Portman – Tavia
Mila Kunis- Janai
Jessica Alba- Llana

Ras Thavas and I are going to crack a bottle tonight.
He is going to whip up a culture that in a weeks time will grow into a 26 year old Raquel Welch who will portray Dejah in a upcoming adaptation.


Scene – Helium’s only remaining large dock and current location of Tardos Mors and Mors Kajak.
Peering out from a window the jeddak, his son and officers watch the dust settle from the collapsed gate of Helium.
Behind them in the shadows moviegoers get glimpses of the bow of a battleship in a construction bay.
Heliumites work feverishly readying it for combat. One men hanging from his harness attaches herioglyphics to it’s side.
Bombs explode on the roof. The dock does not collapse. The officers look relieved.
The dust settling from the gate collapse reveals Helium’s fleet coming to the rescue.
The men cheer, Tardos (Charlton Heston stature) announces that he will command the battleship in the bay and then orders Mors to ready the forces hidden in the catacombs.

Halfway thru the climatic battle Tars Tarkus marshalls his forces for a renewed charge that pushes back the staggering Zodangan ranks leaving behind a crushed carpet of dead and dying red men. Maddened and squealing, thoats leap across a ditch and onto the bulwarks beyond, many of them impaling themselves on sharpened stakes. With mighty oaths on there lips Zodangan pikeman rush the bulwarks in a desparate effort to push the green men back. Tars Tarkus leaps off the back of his dying mount to the top of the bulwark each sweep of his sword hewing 2 or 3 Zodangans in half. Inspired by there leader’s ferocity the green men heedless of death storm the bulwarks. Cannon shots start ripping thru the green men ranks. The shots are coming from cannons strapped on the backs of 25 foot tall Zodangan armor plated zitadars (barsoomian tanks). The green men start to waver but then a squadron of Heliumite one man fliers led by Kantos Kan attack the Zodangan zitadars. Kantos the designated comedy relief is whooping and hollering and practicing his newly acquired Jasoomian gesture. Flippin the finger.
A great shadow covers that portion of the battlefield. Everyone Thark and Zodangan look upward. With sickening thuds Heliumite and Zodangan airmen (many on fire) fall like rain onto the battlefield. A dozen battleships grappled together, bouyancy tanks blown apart, plummet downward and exploding on contact with the ground, crush and burn a massive wad of combatants.

The moviegoers gasp! Is Tars alive? Of course he is! He leaped clear but unfortunately the main mass of flaming wreckage landed mostly on his troops and now he is cut off, Zodangans on one side, flaming wreckage on the other.

JC who was on the flaming wreckage as it plummeted leaps onto a passing by Zodangan one man flier.
After tossing off the unlucky Zodangan JC notices two things.
Sab Than’s personal flier with Dejah aboard, docking onto a mass of battleships grappled together floating above.
Tars Tarkus knocked off his feet and about to die!

(JC recognizes the peculiar wire mesh cover that surrounds the propeller of Sab Than’s personal flier. The cover is due to Sab Than’s bizarre phobia of whirling propellers.)

The movie goers gasp! What will JC do?

The bromance is strong! JC crashes and crushes a couple of Zodangans and then the bromance partners fight back to back. Awwww id’nt that bromantic? A Zodangan officer watching the corpse pile grow at the feet of the bromance partners orders his men back. In awe he asks the white man “Who are you?” JC flips the finger and says “John Carter”. Before the astonished gaze of the Zodangans and before they can react he grabs Tars Tarkus and leaps 500 feet in the air, clear over the flaming wreakage and into the green men ranks on the other side.

The tharks dismayed at the loss of their vanguard and percieved loss of there jeddack were milling around in confusion.
Some were exhorting vengence while others contemplated retreat.
Upon the miraculous return of there jeddeck they gave forth an exultant cheer.
Leaping onto the back of an abandoned thoat Tars brandishes his blood caked sword and yells “Leave a thark his head and one hand and he may yet conquer”. Brandishing there own weapons and galvanized the tharks give forth another cheer then rally around there jeddak.

But then JC does the unthinkable. He leaps 500 feet in the air, clear over the flaming wreakage and back into the Zodangan ranks on the other side.
JC bows out his chest then yells, “behold zodangans, the mightiness of my nipples!”
The zodangans blanch, they packpeddle in fear and confusion, they shield their eyes from the mightiness of JC’s nipples.
Uncontested, nipples proudly displayed and radiating deadly menace, JC makes his way to the one man flier he had crash landed while coming to Tar’s rescue.
JC with a grim smile opens the throttle and points the nose of the flier towards were he had last seen Sab Than’s personal flier.

Scene switch to Zodangans at Helium’s gates.

Smoke spewing canisters launched from the shattered gates of Helium obscure the vision of the Zodangans.
Sheltered behind their breastworks and trenches the Zodangans tighten their grips on their weapons.
Muzzle flashes are seen dimly thru the smoke. Zodangans duck and cover as shells explode around them.
A huge column of armor plated Heliumite zitadars emerge from the smoke pushing carts in front of them.
Hinged to the front of each cart is a thick metal ramp in a upright position.
The Zodangan riflemen fire a volley but it has little effect on the advancing Heliumites sheltered behind the ramps.
Ramps drop, bridging the trenches and smashing the zodangan breastworks.

When a ramp drops do the Zodangans underneath it manage to scramble out of the way?
Of course not. Moviegoers enjoy watching bad guys getting crushed and pulped.

A ramp drops crushing and smushing a dozen Zodangans.
Behind it on top of a Zitadar is revealed Mors Kajak.

A Heliumite battleship suddenly appears thru the smoke above Helium’s shattered gates.
Majestically she turns presenting her broadside to the startled Zodangans below her.
Upon her prow named in honor of Helium’s lost princess, DEJAH THORIS.
1 1/2 times longer then any other ship in Helium’s arsenal, she bristles with armaments from stem to stern.
She boasts a complement of 10,000 men and launching from her decks and hangers are a swarm of one man and two man fliers.
Barsoom’s most potent instrument of death and destruction trains her massive guns on the soon to be deceased zodangans below her.

A zodangan mumbles a quick prayer to Issus and deficates his tunic.
With a massive roar a salvo rains annihilation.

A battleship escorted by two cruisers turns towards the Dejah Thoris.
Thru his feild glass the battleship commander sizes up the Heliumite juggernaut and on its deck spots Helium’s Jeddak Tardos Mors.
Excitedly he exclaims to his officers, “A worthy prize indeed”.
He didn’t know what he was in for.

Like a angry mass of baby siths defending their nest hive, Dejah’s fliers swarm the doomed battleship and her escorts.
The one men fliers rake the battleship and her escorts with gun fire while two man fliers dive then drop bombs from above.
Detonations and gore galore.
Dejah administers the coup de grace. The largest shell ever fired from the deck of a battleship burrows it’s way into the heart of the stricken ship and detonates the magazine. The shock wave from the gargantuan incandecent explosion rocks the nearby cruiser escorts. Flaming debris covers the cruiser escorts and a zodangan filled portion of the battlefield below.
Juggernaut Dejah Thoris then trains her massive guns on the cruiser escorts.
Afterwards the burning hulks of the cruisers are left in the Dejah’s wake.
JC doing his thing on his one man flier quips, “That don’t look like a fair fight”.

Kids and sci fi geeks who will never get laid.
Order your Juggernaut Dejah Thoris model now.
And for extra bucks your model will come with rotating cannon turrets.
Pickup the phone and order now.
Now! Now! Now!

Scene switch

Flags unfurl from the top of Helium’s loftiest tower. It’s a signal from the jeddack to Helium’s citizens. The battle still hangs in the balance and Helium’s citizens respond. From all quarters private aircraft lift into the air.

Even Helium’s most famous dillettante (or perhaps infamous) answers the call. Stumbling out of a night club, Ren Aldo (Woody Harrelson) and his passengers board his personal pleasure boat. They lift off and fly straight into the maelstorm of death and destruction. Ren Aldo pilots his ship with pizazz and flair. Behind his ship Ren Aldo’s personal banner scintallates in the sun. For the entertainment of his guests he engages in aerial acrobatics (loop de loops and barrel rolls). Passing by Zodangan ships they shoot their pistols and hurl molotov cocktails. A explosion rocks the craft. Dom Iniche (Charlie Sheen) laments when he upsets the party platter and stains his favorite harness. The other guests laugh then out of chorus sing Helium’s national anthem. They spot a zodangan destroyer beseiged. Pulling up along side they leap aboard with rapiers in hand. Half would lose their lives.

Scene switch
JC lands on the deck of Dejah Thoris.
Tardos Mors asks, “Are you that crazy cracker”
JC replies, “I know were the princess is”.

Scene switch to mass of battleships grappled together and still afloat.

The mass starts to buckle.
The side that is mostly Zodangan ships (and men) remains stable.
The side that is mostly Helium ships with more ruptured bouyancy tanks tilts with men sliding off.
The Zodangans jeer and start cutting loose the mooring ropes that hold the two fleets together, knowing that will cause the Helium side to plummet to it’s doom.

Juggernaut Dejah Thoris grapples to and lifts up the sagging Helium side.
JC leads a fresh influx of troops onto the floating battlefield.

Aside from a rep as a super douche, Sab Than had trained with Zodanga’s most notorious assassins and was regarded as a viciously cunning swordsman.
Pointing his sword at JC, Sab Than bellows, “do not interfere men, that stunted white ape is mine”.
Twisting Dejah’s arm, Sab Than with remnants of his last meal still stuck to his teeth plants a slobbery kiss on Dejah’s sumptuous lips.
Wet, gross and even some tongue action.
The Zodangans part and make way for the combatants.
Outraged at this latest affront to Dejah’s dignity, JC leaps forward and nearly impales his self on Sab Than’s outreached sword.
Fueled with murderous intensity JC lunges at Sab Than repeatedly, only his jasoomian strength and agility saving him from Sab Than’s lightning fast ripostes.
The fight is awesome but Sab Than’ sword arm gives out from the strain of parrying the repeated power of JC’s blows.
JC leaps up in the air and as he is coming down he yells “Yuuuurrrgh”.
Sab Than with both hands lifts his blade in desperation.
Both blades snap at the hilt!
JC punches Sab Than in the face with his broken sword hilt.
Sab Than falls hard, but only manages to spit blood and splintered teeth before JC is on him.
Sab Than is pinned facedown to the ground with JC choking the life out of him.
Sab Than’s face turns purple, his eyes bug out of his head, as JC wrenches backward his vertebrae pop from the intense pressure of JC’s knee in his back.
The world kalediscopes inward around JC, his only awareness the savage need to kill.
Only one thing could have impinged and it did, it was his beloved, his princess.
Beating her small fists on JC’s back, Dejah cries out” You must not kill him, you must not!”
Shocked, JC rises and faces the woman he had risked all for and would do a million times more.
Unable to face his own secret fears, he croaks out “Why Dejah, Why?”

“Know JC that I am the proud daughter of a thousand jeddaks”.
“I am betrothed to Sab Than and due to tradition can not marry the man who kills my intended husband”.

Sab Than rises off the ground.
The men of Zodanga look towards their jeddak Sab Than. Whooped.
They look towards Helium’s jeddak Tardos Mors (Charlton Heston Stature). Not whooped.
They look past Tardos Mors at the bristling cannons and guns of the Dejah Thoris.
The men of Zodanga throw down their swords.

Tardos Mors steps forward and proclaims “Sab Than, looks like you just got knocked the F out.”
The men of Helium cheer.

Sab Than wipes his face, holds his hand out in appeal to Dejah Thoris and asks, “One last kiss”
Dejah vigorously shakes her head no.
Sab Than looks around, the mock sadness not masking his desperation. He looks across the battlefield and every where he turns he sees Zodanga vanquished.
Looking at the remnants of his navy he observes a sad tradition.
Zodangan commanders with flags in hand, leaping off the bridges of surrendered ships.
Emboldened by their sacrifices, plucking his self up and with one last bloody spit, Sab Than picks up the Zodangan jeddak flag and leaps off the deck.
He yells “Zodanga number one beyatches, Helium blows sorak nads”.
He thought he would fall several thousand feet during which time he would reflect on his life and make peace with Issus.
But he leaped before he looked. He lets out one bleet of terror then lands on a whirling battleship propeller.
His body explodes into a million pieces


  • Crust, I read about half of it and will read the rest on Saturday morning! I will rag on it thereafter! 😉

  • Diana Cole said,
    Have to say I love your use of vocabulary. Does it come naturally, or do you use the

    Crust responds,
    What happens when someone who is barely literate uses a online thesaurus?
    They type heteromorphic instead of abnormal.

    I know you be a busy man, Mr. Dotar Sojat, but did you give my
    magnum opus a superficial, hasty, brief, passing, quick, rapid, perfunctory, hurried, fleeting, or desultory look?

    Anxiety overwhelms me. Any advice? Recommendations?
    (Don’t give up your day job perhaps.)

    With additional rewriting and editing could it possibly be somewhat

    Well I got to run. Literally.
    Xipueh Toteux is real. He wants his black book back.
    He is threatening world apocalypse or something like that if I don’t give him his book back. – His tattoos! Ugggg! Make you want to gouge your eyes out!

    Anyhow, Xipueh Toteux, the devil of barsoom or what ever name he goes by now, resides in Burbank, Ca.
    He wears a suit, (not a suit of human skin, I mean a suit you like buy at
    a men’s werehouse) and is rumored to control Walt Disney.
    It is further rumored that the severed feet that depend from his chest
    belonged to some recently outed executives who lost their jobs due to
    a failed movie fiasco.

    I need to contact John Carter with a swiftness otherwise
    I am going to have to find that peddler and tell him
    I want my two dollars, burrito, lime and beer back.

  • Ugggg! I Don’t know which would be worse!
    Rereading your lame-ass fan-fic or having my
    cat-nip soaked exposed balls repeatedly
    swatted and clawed by enraged tom-cats!

  • “Furthermore …. A dire threat
    If no one rags my story I will resume ragging on Stanton/JC”

    OMG!!! Anything but that!!!
    Response F – All of the above.

    Have to say I love your use of vocabulary. Does it come naturally, or do you use the thesaurus?

  • Blood lubricated chunks of red men slide down the outstretched jaws of the hungry calots.

    Whenever I reread that line I chortle and cackle with deranged glee
    convinced that I have conjured a preternatural ludicrously
    will be sure to fill readers with dismay and revulsion.

    Not a single negative post questioning my lucidity. – I am distressed!

    One time even, I had a fantasy that I recieved a shiny bauble and a pulitzer
    prize for “New author that wrote the worstest fan-fic ever”.

    Survey – C’mon now, you know you love surveys.

    Which responce below best describes the bewilderment
    and overwhelming repugnance that you felt?

    Responce A – Your fan-fic displayed the guile and sophistication of a
    twelve year old who stepped off the short bus.

    Responce B – I would never invite your calots over for brunch.
    It perturbs me when guests chew with their mouths open.

    Responce C – I gave your fan-fic a cursory look.
    I had a bad feeling and decided to move on with my life.

    Responce D – I logged onto a web-site were people ridicule
    horrible fan-fics and provided a link to your fan-fic.

    Responce E – At least one good thing came out of this.
    In the future Dotar Sojat will review fan-fics first before he
    provides a link.

    Responce F – All of the above.

    Furthermore …. A dire threat

    If no one rags my story I will resume ragging on Stanton/JC

    Bohahahahha – That was a diabolical evil laugh.

  • Wow!

    “Never Betray a Deal” is a work in progress.

    Chapter 7 is weak. Needs a rewrite. The charactors need more flesh to give the situation more impact.

    Zat Arras is a load mouth arrogant bastard who inherited his wealth. He bought his position of Jedwar and is not qualified for the position. His lack of leadership and indecision contributes to the destruction of the detachment force.

    The chapter describing the destruction of the detachment force is a little bland.
    I was saving the grisly anecdotes for the main battle.

    How the destruction of the detachment force affects the moral of
    Zodanga’s main host is missin’.

    The paronoid purge of Than Kosis was not as draconian as the purge of Stalin. It mostly affected the upper echelon.

    Kronak Naktar has prior naval experience and is qualified to brief the officers on
    targeting and boarding tactics.

    If you have ever worked in a highly political office enviroment then you have
    experienced the supreme pleasure of working with a brown nosing weasel.
    Feel free to use the weasel to picture Javis Kandar.

    Javis Kandar had worked in the “spy” department but had been placed underneath
    Kronak Naktar to recieve military experience.
    Kronak suspects that Javis was placed there to spy upon him.

    Anyway the list to beef up chapter 7 goes on and on.

    Writing is a struggle but if anything it gives you a greater appreciation
    of the gifts that ERB possessed and his creative genius.

    Chapter 13

    Not written yet, will hopefully add a little flesh to the charactors of Nag Lot,
    Atag and the youth. They move to a new vantage point and I want to describe what
    awesome message couriers the calots make. As events unfold and despite the chaos of battle they are capable of relaying messeges with tremendous speed. They use their tremendous sense of smell, (they smell the tracks left by Bal Sag’s thoat.) to track down whoever they are relaying messeges to.

    Chapter 14

    It will be a tough chapter to write. The charactors from both sides are all jumbled together.

    Need to beef up the description of the zodangan battle zitadars. I was thinking a 20- 25 foot tall four eyed cross between a horny toad and a gila monster. I like the visualization of 100-150 foot long sticky tongues lashing out of their mouths. The green men stick to the tongues like a fly sticks to fly paper. The zitadars are omnivores so expect the green men to explode when they chomp down on them.

    Bal Sag is an awesome marksman, zitadar eyeballs explode but they got heat sensors.

    A description of a full utan (100) calots attacking a zitadar might be entertaining.
    (At least in the hands of a more capable author).

    The wartards have been aggressively breeding the calots for 2000 years.
    Wartard calots are 20% larger (many even larger) then the average calot
    and have massive teeth.

    Maintaining a calot for every warrior places a burden on the tribe and
    is part of the reason why they live a highly nomadic lifestyle.

    Chapter 20 is incomplete.
    The last few paragraphs are half formulated.
    I have 2 scenarios in my head for the end of the chapter and can’t make up my
    mind. (possible ramifications for a possible book two.)

    Additional exposition that could be added.

    The wartards have been aggressively breeding the calots for 2000 years.
    Wartard calots are 20% larger (many even larger) then the average calot
    and have super massive teeth.

    Maintaining a calot for every warrior places a burden on the tribe and
    is part of the reason why they live a super nomadic lifestyle.

    If I recollect correctly ERB described the green men as being lazy
    when they are not engaged in battle.
    Wartards are better conditioned then the average green horde due to their super nomadic lifestyle.

    The progenitors of Bal Sag’s tribe were possibly a loathsome cult that worshipped
    Xipueh. They were cast out by the warhoons who somehow managed to evict

    The warhoons and wartards hate each other. Their have been many defections
    and betrayals on both sides, intensifying the hatred.

    A clutch of thark eggs had been stolen by the wartards.
    Bal Sag is half thark. Tars Tarkus suspects but does not ask.
    It would lead to war. In book two, enemies take advantage of this.
    The sola/tak pakur romance heats up and gets tested by tribal tensions.

    In book three Xipueh returns and leads the forces of evil against the forces
    of good. JC plays a more prominent role. He has to confront his past.
    Xipueh and JC have fought each other a lot of times thru-out the ages.

    One million years ago JC had made a desperate choice to save the woman he loved which led to the extintion of the white race. It is a terrible burden.

    Once again Xipueh will place him in a position of choice.
    Will he save the red race or save Dejah?

    Anyway hard enough to write book one.
    I can’t even get the tense right.

    I’m sure ERB could churn the whole trilogy out in a half year.
    Take me a decade.

    My weird writing tense is a prime indicator that I am not a natural born writer.

  • The writing tense is a little weird and it is decidedly over-the-top, but it is also funny. Well-done.

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