One of our more colorful commenters, Crustbucket (who has also put out some of the most imaginative, insightful, sometimes infuriating, but always, or almost always, interesting comments) has dared our readers to check out his piece of Barsoomian fan fiction. He’s provided us a link in a comment and I would like to share it. Here it is: Never Betray at Deal With a Barsoomian Devil. I haven’t read it yet — will do so over the weekend. One thing I do remember about Crust is that he wrote a very compelling, if (as he notes), slightly “parodic” alternate ending to the film which I’ll also share here now just for Friday night fun.
CLIMACTIC BATTLE ENDING by Crustbucket
Your lucky day. I shall inflict my latest, somewhat parodic climatic battle ending upon ya.
Rachel Weisz – Thuvia
Rose Mcgowen – Phaidor
Emily Blunt or Eva Green – Tara
Salma Hayek – Valla Dia
Megan Fox – Sonama Tora
Natalie Portman – Tavia
Mila Kunis- Janai
Jessica Alba- Llana
Ras Thavas and I are going to crack a bottle tonight.
He is going to whip up a culture that in a weeks time will grow into a 26 year old Raquel Welch who will portray Dejah in a upcoming adaptation.
HOW THE MOVIE COULD HAVE ENDED
Scene – Helium’s only remaining large dock and current location of Tardos Mors and Mors Kajak.
Peering out from a window the jeddak, his son and officers watch the dust settle from the collapsed gate of Helium.
Behind them in the shadows moviegoers get glimpses of the bow of a battleship in a construction bay.
Heliumites work feverishly readying it for combat. One men hanging from his harness attaches herioglyphics to it’s side.
Bombs explode on the roof. The dock does not collapse. The officers look relieved.
The dust settling from the gate collapse reveals Helium’s fleet coming to the rescue.
The men cheer, Tardos (Charlton Heston stature) announces that he will command the battleship in the bay and then orders Mors to ready the forces hidden in the catacombs.
Halfway thru the climatic battle Tars Tarkus marshalls his forces for a renewed charge that pushes back the staggering Zodangan ranks leaving behind a crushed carpet of dead and dying red men. Maddened and squealing, thoats leap across a ditch and onto the bulwarks beyond, many of them impaling themselves on sharpened stakes. With mighty oaths on there lips Zodangan pikeman rush the bulwarks in a desparate effort to push the green men back. Tars Tarkus leaps off the back of his dying mount to the top of the bulwark each sweep of his sword hewing 2 or 3 Zodangans in half. Inspired by there leader’s ferocity the green men heedless of death storm the bulwarks. Cannon shots start ripping thru the green men ranks. The shots are coming from cannons strapped on the backs of 25 foot tall Zodangan armor plated zitadars (barsoomian tanks). The green men start to waver but then a squadron of Heliumite one man fliers led by Kantos Kan attack the Zodangan zitadars. Kantos the designated comedy relief is whooping and hollering and practicing his newly acquired Jasoomian gesture. Flippin the finger.
A great shadow covers that portion of the battlefield. Everyone Thark and Zodangan look upward. With sickening thuds Heliumite and Zodangan airmen (many on fire) fall like rain onto the battlefield. A dozen battleships grappled together, bouyancy tanks blown apart, plummet downward and exploding on contact with the ground, crush and burn a massive wad of combatants.
The moviegoers gasp! Is Tars alive? Of course he is! He leaped clear but unfortunately the main mass of flaming wreckage landed mostly on his troops and now he is cut off, Zodangans on one side, flaming wreckage on the other.
JC who was on the flaming wreckage as it plummeted leaps onto a passing by Zodangan one man flier.
After tossing off the unlucky Zodangan JC notices two things.
Sab Than’s personal flier with Dejah aboard, docking onto a mass of battleships grappled together floating above.
Tars Tarkus knocked off his feet and about to die!
(JC recognizes the peculiar wire mesh cover that surrounds the propeller of Sab Than’s personal flier. The cover is due to Sab Than’s bizarre phobia of whirling propellers.)
The movie goers gasp! What will JC do?
The bromance is strong! JC crashes and crushes a couple of Zodangans and then the bromance partners fight back to back. Awwww id’nt that bromantic? A Zodangan officer watching the corpse pile grow at the feet of the bromance partners orders his men back. In awe he asks the white man “Who are you?” JC flips the finger and says “John Carter”. Before the astonished gaze of the Zodangans and before they can react he grabs Tars Tarkus and leaps 500 feet in the air, clear over the flaming wreakage and into the green men ranks on the other side.
The tharks dismayed at the loss of their vanguard and percieved loss of there jeddack were milling around in confusion.
Some were exhorting vengence while others contemplated retreat.
Upon the miraculous return of there jeddeck they gave forth an exultant cheer.
Leaping onto the back of an abandoned thoat Tars brandishes his blood caked sword and yells “Leave a thark his head and one hand and he may yet conquer”. Brandishing there own weapons and galvanized the tharks give forth another cheer then rally around there jeddak.
But then JC does the unthinkable. He leaps 500 feet in the air, clear over the flaming wreakage and back into the Zodangan ranks on the other side.
JC bows out his chest then yells, “behold zodangans, the mightiness of my nipples!”
The zodangans blanch, they packpeddle in fear and confusion, they shield their eyes from the mightiness of JC’s nipples.
Uncontested, nipples proudly displayed and radiating deadly menace, JC makes his way to the one man flier he had crash landed while coming to Tar’s rescue.
JC with a grim smile opens the throttle and points the nose of the flier towards were he had last seen Sab Than’s personal flier.
Scene switch to Zodangans at Helium’s gates.
Smoke spewing canisters launched from the shattered gates of Helium obscure the vision of the Zodangans.
Sheltered behind their breastworks and trenches the Zodangans tighten their grips on their weapons.
Muzzle flashes are seen dimly thru the smoke. Zodangans duck and cover as shells explode around them.
A huge column of armor plated Heliumite zitadars emerge from the smoke pushing carts in front of them.
Hinged to the front of each cart is a thick metal ramp in a upright position.
The Zodangan riflemen fire a volley but it has little effect on the advancing Heliumites sheltered behind the ramps.
Ramps drop, bridging the trenches and smashing the zodangan breastworks.
When a ramp drops do the Zodangans underneath it manage to scramble out of the way?
Of course not. Moviegoers enjoy watching bad guys getting crushed and pulped.
A ramp drops crushing and smushing a dozen Zodangans.
Behind it on top of a Zitadar is revealed Mors Kajak.
A Heliumite battleship suddenly appears thru the smoke above Helium’s shattered gates.
Majestically she turns presenting her broadside to the startled Zodangans below her.
Upon her prow named in honor of Helium’s lost princess, DEJAH THORIS.
1 1/2 times longer then any other ship in Helium’s arsenal, she bristles with armaments from stem to stern.
She boasts a complement of 10,000 men and launching from her decks and hangers are a swarm of one man and two man fliers.
Barsoom’s most potent instrument of death and destruction trains her massive guns on the soon to be deceased zodangans below her.
A zodangan mumbles a quick prayer to Issus and deficates his tunic.
With a massive roar a salvo rains annihilation.
A battleship escorted by two cruisers turns towards the Dejah Thoris.
Thru his feild glass the battleship commander sizes up the Heliumite juggernaut and on its deck spots Helium’s Jeddak Tardos Mors.
Excitedly he exclaims to his officers, “A worthy prize indeed”.
He didn’t know what he was in for.
Like a angry mass of baby siths defending their nest hive, Dejah’s fliers swarm the doomed battleship and her escorts.
The one men fliers rake the battleship and her escorts with gun fire while two man fliers dive then drop bombs from above.
Detonations and gore galore.
Dejah administers the coup de grace. The largest shell ever fired from the deck of a battleship burrows it’s way into the heart of the stricken ship and detonates the magazine. The shock wave from the gargantuan incandecent explosion rocks the nearby cruiser escorts. Flaming debris covers the cruiser escorts and a zodangan filled portion of the battlefield below.
Juggernaut Dejah Thoris then trains her massive guns on the cruiser escorts.
Afterwards the burning hulks of the cruisers are left in the Dejah’s wake.
JC doing his thing on his one man flier quips, “That don’t look like a fair fight”.
Kids and sci fi geeks who will never get laid.
Order your Juggernaut Dejah Thoris model now.
And for extra bucks your model will come with rotating cannon turrets.
Pickup the phone and order now.
Now! Now! Now!
Flags unfurl from the top of Helium’s loftiest tower. It’s a signal from the jeddack to Helium’s citizens. The battle still hangs in the balance and Helium’s citizens respond. From all quarters private aircraft lift into the air.
Even Helium’s most famous dillettante (or perhaps infamous) answers the call. Stumbling out of a night club, Ren Aldo (Woody Harrelson) and his passengers board his personal pleasure boat. They lift off and fly straight into the maelstorm of death and destruction. Ren Aldo pilots his ship with pizazz and flair. Behind his ship Ren Aldo’s personal banner scintallates in the sun. For the entertainment of his guests he engages in aerial acrobatics (loop de loops and barrel rolls). Passing by Zodangan ships they shoot their pistols and hurl molotov cocktails. A explosion rocks the craft. Dom Iniche (Charlie Sheen) laments when he upsets the party platter and stains his favorite harness. The other guests laugh then out of chorus sing Helium’s national anthem. They spot a zodangan destroyer beseiged. Pulling up along side they leap aboard with rapiers in hand. Half would lose their lives.
JC lands on the deck of Dejah Thoris.
Tardos Mors asks, “Are you that crazy cracker”
JC replies, “I know were the princess is”.
Scene switch to mass of battleships grappled together and still afloat.
The mass starts to buckle.
The side that is mostly Zodangan ships (and men) remains stable.
The side that is mostly Helium ships with more ruptured bouyancy tanks tilts with men sliding off.
The Zodangans jeer and start cutting loose the mooring ropes that hold the two fleets together, knowing that will cause the Helium side to plummet to it’s doom.
Juggernaut Dejah Thoris grapples to and lifts up the sagging Helium side.
JC leads a fresh influx of troops onto the floating battlefield.
Aside from a rep as a super douche, Sab Than had trained with Zodanga’s most notorious assassins and was regarded as a viciously cunning swordsman.
Pointing his sword at JC, Sab Than bellows, “do not interfere men, that stunted white ape is mine”.
Twisting Dejah’s arm, Sab Than with remnants of his last meal still stuck to his teeth plants a slobbery kiss on Dejah’s sumptuous lips.
Wet, gross and even some tongue action.
The Zodangans part and make way for the combatants.
Outraged at this latest affront to Dejah’s dignity, JC leaps forward and nearly impales his self on Sab Than’s outreached sword.
Fueled with murderous intensity JC lunges at Sab Than repeatedly, only his jasoomian strength and agility saving him from Sab Than’s lightning fast ripostes.
The fight is awesome but Sab Than’ sword arm gives out from the strain of parrying the repeated power of JC’s blows.
JC leaps up in the air and as he is coming down he yells “Yuuuurrrgh”.
Sab Than with both hands lifts his blade in desperation.
Both blades snap at the hilt!
JC punches Sab Than in the face with his broken sword hilt.
Sab Than falls hard, but only manages to spit blood and splintered teeth before JC is on him.
Sab Than is pinned facedown to the ground with JC choking the life out of him.
Sab Than’s face turns purple, his eyes bug out of his head, as JC wrenches backward his vertebrae pop from the intense pressure of JC’s knee in his back.
The world kalediscopes inward around JC, his only awareness the savage need to kill.
Only one thing could have impinged and it did, it was his beloved, his princess.
Beating her small fists on JC’s back, Dejah cries out” You must not kill him, you must not!”
Shocked, JC rises and faces the woman he had risked all for and would do a million times more.
Unable to face his own secret fears, he croaks out “Why Dejah, Why?”
“Know JC that I am the proud daughter of a thousand jeddaks”.
“I am betrothed to Sab Than and due to tradition can not marry the man who kills my intended husband”.
Sab Than rises off the ground.
The men of Zodanga look towards their jeddak Sab Than. Whooped.
They look towards Helium’s jeddak Tardos Mors (Charlton Heston Stature). Not whooped.
They look past Tardos Mors at the bristling cannons and guns of the Dejah Thoris.
The men of Zodanga throw down their swords.
Tardos Mors steps forward and proclaims “Sab Than, looks like you just got knocked the F out.”
The men of Helium cheer.
Sab Than wipes his face, holds his hand out in appeal to Dejah Thoris and asks, “One last kiss”
Dejah vigorously shakes her head no.
Sab Than looks around, the mock sadness not masking his desperation. He looks across the battlefield and every where he turns he sees Zodanga vanquished.
Looking at the remnants of his navy he observes a sad tradition.
Zodangan commanders with flags in hand, leaping off the bridges of surrendered ships.
Emboldened by their sacrifices, plucking his self up and with one last bloody spit, Sab Than picks up the Zodangan jeddak flag and leaps off the deck.
He yells “Zodanga number one beyatches, Helium blows sorak nads”.
He thought he would fall several thousand feet during which time he would reflect on his life and make peace with Issus.
But he leaped before he looked. He lets out one bleet of terror then lands on a whirling battleship propeller.
His body explodes into a million pieces