Somewhere out there on the vast internets that surround us, some enterprising Disney employee who is obviously a secret fan has sent us an anonymous email with a list of the Top Ten Things Disney is Doing to Breathe New Life into the John Carter Franchise. This is some of the most exciting news we’ve heard in a long time — in fact, just this morning I posted something on Facebook begging for Disney to provide a sign, just a sign of any type, of respect for and interest in John Carter.
Anyway — thank you, anonymous Disney employee, for passing along the good news. It’s great to know JC hasn’t been forgotten, and that the marketing brain trust over at Disney is still working on making lemonades from lemons so that the longsuffering JC fans will have something to cheer about.
Without further ado:
Top Ten Things Disney is Doing to Breathe New Life into the John Carter Franchise
10. The John Carter Tomb, which can be opened only from the inside, will be installed in the graveyard section of the Haunted Mansion ride.
9. On the special edition DVD, cute Disney animated mice will be added to the bridal preparation scene, helping to tailor Dejah Thoris’s ugly wedding dress.
8. McDonald’s will announce a new drink, The Voice of Barsoom, to be given out with Happy Meals. The meals themselves will come with four toys: Ned Burroughs with removable derby to present a choking hazard to children under 5; Sab Than on his knees begging for a Big Mac; a bottle shaped like Tal Hajus filled with candy ugly pills, and one of 101 cute Thark hatchlings (collect the whole set).
7. Supermarkets will be selling a milk chocolate replica of the Thern amulet, with blue-tinted glob of white chocolate in the center.
6. Black Flag will come out with a tie-in insecticide spray to combat household pests, called “Tharks Don’t Fly.”
5. To tie in John Carter with the zombie craze, a new straight-to-video DVD — Civil War Z — will be issued, featuring John Carter’s murdered wife and daughter coming back to life as undead flesh-eaters terrorizing the Union army.
4. Studio moguls will start Hollywood rumors that the next John Carter movie will be spiced up with Johnny Depp’s Tonto mysteriously transported to Barsoom.
3. The AKC will offer a $25,000 prize to the dog breeder who can come up with a new hound that best resembles Woola.
2. Disney imagineers will develop a new board game, sort of a combination of the classic Operation game and a kids wood-burning set, in which players will attempt to be the last one to put a mark on Sola’s body. The player who finds the last unused spot for a new mark will be declared the winner.
And the No. 1 thing Disney will be doing to breathe new life into the John Carter franchise: A free DVD of Asylum’s Princess of Mars will be bundled with each copy of John Carter.