John Carter — a unique and intriguing review by Outlaw Vern

Other Stuff

Warning: The following John Carter review is a little, shall we say, edgy, so read no further if the occasional four letter word offends you.

From JOHN CARTER is your typical Civil-War-veteran-transported-via-magic-cave-to-Mars-to-fall-in-love-with-a-princess-and-fight-a-war tale. I mean, how many movies can we have on this topic?

Oh wait, I was thinking of can-you-fuck-your-friend-all-the-time-and-not-fall-in-love romantic comedies. That’s the more common one. The civil war veteran on Mars deal is not that big of a genre this year, and this new (partly) live action take from Disney might be the last one. It’s not shaping up to be the smash hit required to make back its big budget, and the box office trainspotters are already giggling and high-fiving each other as they dig it a shallow grave in an unused lot behind Space Mountain. That’s too bad, ’cause it’s a hell of alot of fun.

Taylor Kitsch (the magic playing cards guy from WOLVERINE) plays the titular cavalryman, a character created by Edgar Rice “I also created Tarzan by the way” Burroughs. John Carter was a Confederate soldier, which I always think is a weird literary convention. This guy fought to defend slavery! Can German writers get away with ex-Nazi heroes? I doubt it. (And isn’t it weird that this is not the first Confederate-veteran-turned-pulp-hero-adaptation-directed-in-live-action-by-guy-who-only-did-computer-animation-before of recent years? The first one was JONAH HEX.)

But I think John Carter learned his lesson. He refuses to fight now, and tries to stop a confrontation between Union soldiers and Apaches before he accidentally gets warped to Mars and gets mixed up in Martian conflicts.

Actually, not to be too politically correct, but calling them “Martians” is like calling Apaches “Indians.” They don’t call it Mars, they call it Barsoom. I feel we should respect that.

Read the rest of the this very entertaining review at

Oh, and if you like this one, you’ve got to read THIS ONE which is even more to the point and hilarious.


  • And at the Rodeo Drive-In in Bremerton — on a double bill with The Avengers. Woot! I might get my wife to watch the damned movie after all.

  • BWWaaaaHHHahahaAHAHAHahahaaAAAAAA!!!!! Finally, people with enough literary skills to poetically express what I’ve been thinking all along. Life should be a little more like this and not so Kumbayaticaly Korrect.

  • Dotar —

    Unrelated to this post — but what the hell. JC will be showing at the Admiral Theatre in West Seattle starting Friday May 4. It’s currently showing at several McMenamin’s Brew & Views in the Portland area (next week’s schedule isn’t posted as yet).

    Since many of these bargain theatres don’t have webpages (or don’t give any advance warning of what their upcoming movies are), is it worthwhile to have people post if JC is still showing at their local bargain theatre?

Leave a Reply