The following is a review by J.B. Alderman, columnist for the San Jose Mercury News, who as he says in the review, elected to view John Carter at 30,000 feet at the end of a 14 hour flight when “all other options were exhausted”. I usually only post the more intelligently articulated reviews, whether positive or negative, but I thought I would make an exception for this one. Aside from the review itself, which is entertaining in its over-the-top negativity, the comments, many of them coming from members of the John Carter Sequel Group on Facebook, are interesting. I read through them with the intention of looking for some that are hateful, fetishistic, or whatever, as has been accused here on JCF in some comments from time to time — and I didn’t really find any that struck me as over the top — particularly when they are being written in response to a supposedly professional review calling the film “vile crud”. My thought is that the restraint of the fans is as interesting as the lack of same by the reviewer.
I’m just wondering if some of contrarians might concede that the negativity of this review is a little bit ridiculous. MCR? Henreid? Davidson? Just wondering……
DVDs: Colossal flop ‘John Carter’ worst movie in years
By J.B. Alderman
Many of the films I review for you I watch at 30,000 feet. I mean that literally, not figuratively, as I fly several times a month.
Seeing a movie trapped on a plane is a different experience from seeing it on a living room couch. Desperate for distraction, all films look better when the oxygen is thin and you’re trying to make the hours pass. Think of it as cinematic beer goggles. So if you ever thought I went too easy on a movie, it was likely that I saw it on a plane and was grateful for the time it helped kill.
It was in the final third of a 14-hour flight, all other options exhausted, that I started watching this film. And even through the charitable prism of Flight 49, I can safely say this was the worst movie I’ve seen in years.
The reported quarter of a billion spent to make this otherworldly junk could have fed more than 5 million hungry children for an entire year. But instead, that money was completely wasted on creating this vile crud.
Forget “Ishtar” or “Heaven’s Gate.” “John Carter” should be celebrated as the biggest movie disaster of our time. The nonsensical script, summer stock wannabe acting, autopilot directing and 1989-quality special effects come together in a vortex of God-awful that should never be repeated.