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Top Ten Things Disney is Doing to Breathe New Life into the John Carter Franchise

John Carter (The Disney Movie)

Somewhere out there on the vast internets that surround us, some enterprising Disney employee who is obviously a secret fan has sent us an anonymous email with a list of the Top Ten Things Disney is Doing to Breathe New Life into the John Carter Franchise.  This is some of the most exciting news we’ve heard in a long time — in fact, just this morning I posted something on Facebook begging for Disney to provide a sign, just a sign of any type, of respect for and interest in John Carter.

Anyway — thank you, anonymous Disney employee, for passing along the good news.  It’s great to know JC hasn’t been forgotten, and that the marketing brain trust over at Disney is still working on making lemonades from lemons so that the longsuffering JC fans will have something to cheer about.

Without further ado:

Top Ten Things Disney is Doing to Breathe New Life into the John Carter Franchise

10. The John Carter Tomb, which can be opened only from the inside, will be installed in the graveyard section of the Haunted Mansion ride.

9. On the special edition DVD, cute Disney animated mice will be added to the bridal preparation scene, helping to tailor Dejah Thoris’s ugly wedding dress.

8. McDonald’s will announce a new drink, The Voice of Barsoom, to be given out with Happy Meals. The meals themselves will come with four toys: Ned Burroughs with removable derby to present a choking hazard to children under 5; Sab Than on his knees begging for a Big Mac; a bottle shaped like Tal Hajus filled with candy ugly pills, and one of 101 cute Thark hatchlings (collect the whole set).

7. Supermarkets will be selling a milk chocolate replica of the Thern amulet, with blue-tinted glob of white chocolate in the center.

6. Black Flag will come out with a tie-in insecticide spray to combat household pests, called “Tharks Don’t Fly.”

5. To tie in John Carter with the zombie craze, a new straight-to-video DVD — Civil War Z — will be issued, featuring John Carter’s murdered wife and daughter coming back to life as undead flesh-eaters terrorizing the Union army.

4. Studio moguls will start Hollywood rumors that the next John Carter movie will be spiced up with Johnny Depp’s Tonto mysteriously transported to Barsoom.

3. The AKC will offer a $25,000 prize to the dog breeder who can come up with a new hound that best resembles Woola.

2. Disney imagineers will develop a new board game, sort of a combination of the classic Operation game and a kids wood-burning set, in which players will attempt to be the last one to put a mark on Sola’s body. The player who finds the last unused spot for a new mark will be declared the winner.

And the No. 1 thing Disney will be doing to breathe new life into the John Carter franchise: A free DVD of Asylum’s Princess of Mars will be bundled with each copy of John Carter.

8 comments

  • Copy and paste this everywere across the internet with your name under it, to bring the John Carter serie back to life:

    To:
    Alan Horn, Chairman, Walt Disney/Pixar Studios
    I just signed the following petition addressed to: Alan Horn, Chairman, Walt Disney/Pixar Studios

    —————-
    Bring Back John Carter – Take Us Back To Barsoom!

    Greetings Mr. Horn,

    I have signed the attached petition to express my great desire to see the sequel to your wonderful film, John Carter. This petition is only one facet of a campaign started by an increasing number of fans that adore the film and are doing everything in our power to see it succeed! We have taken it upon ourselves to turn around the negative public image that has undeservedly been cast on John Carter.

    On March 20, ten days into the theatrical run of John Carter, Walt Disney Studios issued a statement that Disney expected an operating loss of approximately $200 million during their second fiscal quarter ending March 31. While this initially caused headlines from some critics to announce, “Mega-bomb” and ”Biggest flop in cinema history”, developments have now changed. As more and more people have gone to see John Carter, the love for this excellent film has grown. There are now a greater number of critics praising this film than there are who hate it and when the DVD/BluRay versions are released there can be no doubt that John Carter will gain a huge amount of new fans who will desire a sequel as much as we do.

    Thousands and thousands of fans from all over the world are expressing their appreciation for this brilliant film. ??John Carter is everything it is suppose to be! A heartwarming film from beginning to end! A genre film that is full of adventure and romance—A film that all science fiction films can pay homage to—A film the whole family can get lost in on a Saturday afternoon.??

    The cast is fantastic, the effects have now set the bar higher than ever for other films to match in scope and beauty, and Andrew Stanton has created a gem that is a complete success in his first foray into live-action filmmaking!

    The unfortunate circumstances surrounding John Carter’s lack of box office success in the US should not reflect on the excellence of the film itself, which the public will recognize, and are recognizing, when they see it. Internationally, John Carter has done extremely well and were it not for these strange and unfortunate circumstances in the states, it would have become the blockbuster it fully deserves to be.

    As huge fans of this film, we are spreading positive reviews and slowly, but surely, we are seeing results. As great word-of-mouth grows, so will audiences who will all be begging for that much-desired sequel.

    This is not a sprint, but a marathon. Our mission will not stop once John Carter is out of theaters. We will grow our base by leaps and bounds, once viewers see John Carter at home, and we will not sit still until we get that sequel green-lit by Disney Studios! This could prove to be a very unique situation that Disney could use in its favor when the time comes to announce that sequel. I can see the headlines now:

    Enthusiastic Fans Turn Apparent John Carter Failure Into Success! Get Ready For ‘John Carter: The Gods Of Mars!’”
    “Disney’s John Carter Goes From Flop To Fantastic!”
    “John Carter Fans Cry Fowl, Turn The Tide, And Disney’s Bomb Explodes Into Success!”

    Bring Back John Carter! Please take us Back To Barsoom!!! We Want A John Carter Sequel!?

    Sincerely,
    Sincerely,
    [Your Name]

  • I would want at least 6 of those 10 items. It would be proof enough than John Carter is indeed popular enough to warrant a sequel! :)

  • Ya, right. Happy April Fools, six months late or six months early. You’ve been reading our laughing postman, John “Bridge” Martin’s wonderfully clever emails again. Maybe I shouldn’t blow the cover, but I think he’s in the wrong business. I think he could be a professional writer.

  • Would that it were so! I could actually see them doing #10… that’s the kind of easter eggs they seem to love putting in the amusement parks.

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